• You know you’re getting older when the clothes you’ve put away until they come back in style… have come back in style.
  • The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
  • People never really grow up, they only learn how to act in public.
  • I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.
  • The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.
  • I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months – I don’t like to interrupt her.
  • The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  • Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.
  • Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
  • Did you hear about the great new restaurant on the moon? The food is excellent, but there’s no atmosphere.
  • I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
  • Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
  • Experience is what you get when you don’t get what you want.
  • Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
  • A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
  • You know you’re getting older when people call you at 9 PM and ask, «Did I wake you?»
  • A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
  • Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
  • An alcoholic and a drunk are not the same thing at all. The alcoholic has to attend meetings.

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